Today is the President-elect's first day back on the job at Capitol Hill, and he's hitting the ground running by meeting with Speaker Pelosi and running...

I love meat. I'm an unrepentant carnivore. I've extolled the virtues of pork time and again, but what I really want to eat every single day is a bloody steak. And often I do. Which means I'll probably die one day in the not so distant future of a heart...

All Heath and Deborah Campbell of Hunterdon County, NJ wanted was a birthday cake for their adorable little Aryan, Adolf Hitler, who turned 3 last week.

But, sadly, they just don't teach cake-writing in white supremacy class anymore. And when the Campbells asked a nearby ShopRite to inscribe "Happy...

Everyone is all kinds of excited about the fact that there's now a Vietnamese-American dude rocking the U.S. House of Representatives, for the 2nd Congressional District of Louisiana (It's no wonder -- consider it a super-unlikely opportunity for Reprzentasian in that District if you aren't experienced, Black or a Democrat).

The tenuous fate of America's Big Three auto corporations has everybody on edge, and people are fightin' mad: Dems feel like the Republicans failed them on the now-dead auto bailout, the Unions feel like they are being unfairly attacked, the hundreds of thousands of workers employed in the auto...

Gossip Girl and ethnics don't mix. It's been well-documented by DISGRASIAN since the first episode -- when the Black Chick and the Asian Chick (aka The Haragossip Girls) were mutely paraded around in matching outfits -- that non-white characters tend to be used on the show...

It's official: Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal has been anointed--37 months ahead of the Iowa Caucuses--the "Republican Obama." In a Washington Post article that cites Jindal as the next Great Brown Hope, tax-hating, Bush-loving conservative Grover Norquist explains why the Right is stoked to have the...

Not long after Neel Kashkari was appointed head of the $700 billion bailout, Gawker dug up the guy's high school yearbook page with its Rush quotes and tacky picture of a Ferrari, exposing what they called Kashkari's "egocentric, douchebag nature." Then the bailout dude held a Q&A after...

Looking for a calendar to keep track of your social commitments in 2009? Forget Pirelli and its nudish, high fashion models photographed in Africa by Peter Beard. Look no further than the Clare Boothe Luce Policy Institute's "Pretty in Mink" calendar, celebrating "smart, conservative women role models" like...

Post-election politics have begun to resemble an episode of The Hills lately, with Obama -- who is obviously Lauren Conrad -- reconciling with bitter rival John McCain...

If you couldn't tell by now, we love math. Much to the disappointment of our fathers, who are both men of science and can do all sorts of tricky calculasians in their heads with one hand tied behind their backs while chewing gum, walking, and humming "Ode to...

Last night, the people (or at least, 64 million of us) spoke -- and sent the world a message: America is ready for...

I've spent a lot of my adult life defending the state of Texas, where I'm from (as opposed to where I'm "from-from"), especially during the last eight years with W. in office. I usually begin with the refrain, "There are good people there," before espousing the virtues of the things...

Dudes -- nothing gives us more tingles than watching somebody get busted for being unprepared and/or sensationalist and/or poorly informed while on split-screen live TV. It's painful. PAINFUL. Remember Kevin James's massive "appeasement" stumble on Hardball? Shouldn't the imminent shame resulting from such incidents be enough to scare some...

A recent online poll conducted by the US Embassy on the China Daily website shows that 75 percent of the People's people favor Obama over McCain. An analyst of a Horizon Research survey on Chinese interest in the election posited that the reason for this is "(Obama's)...

Dear Little Irene and Randy,

It's great that you're getting involved with politics at such a young age. Having not hit puberty yet, we're sure it can get pretty durned confusing with all of the grownups around ya filling your head with all sorts of "information" and "facts" about important things like, "Why homosexuality is wrong" and "The certainty of you suddenly encountering the confusing situation of your mom being a man and your dad being a woman if Proposition 8 doesn't pass in California." So many big words! And not enough playtime or candy, Right? Are ya with us? High fives!

So we wanted to get real simple and tell you a couple of things about your parents. They're actually goblins. That's right, goblins! Do you know what a goblin is? A goblin is a monster who has a human brain cut in half and then half again, one that is shriveled up and purple like a prune! Eww! Prunes! They also smell really really bad, mostly because they eat brains for breakfast! Yuck! Don't forget this, either -- goblins have ugly feet, and because they are so stupid, they can't carry on normal conversations, carry on productive lives, or write two verses that rhyme.

So these goblin parents of yours, they were cursed by a very ugly, wicked witch with a very, ugly wicked nose with a wart on it (Ewww!) a long time ago -- a punishment for stealing cookies from autistic babies. Don't worry if you don't know what "autistic" means (by the way, it means "awesome.") Anyway, so your goblin parents knew that one day they would have children, and those children would not be goblins! They would be wonderful, sweet, beautiful children named Irene and Randy. But the goblins knew, because of the curse, that those beautiful children would be disgusted if they knew that the goblins were goblins. Maybe those beautiful children would abandon the goblins, because they were so icky and stupid! So they went to the witch doctor and asked for a spell... and the spell gave them the power of a hypnotic music. With the gift of one very simple, hypnotic song, they could brainwash their beautiful children, and channel the hate of goblins somewhere, anywhere else! That's right! They could make their children hate somebody else!!

So they wrote a song, which wasn't very good (because they're stupid goblins that can't rhyme), and they played it for you every day. And you've been hypnotized with hatred ever since!

Additionally, your parents have also stolen most of your Christmas presents, killed your dog and goldfish, and eat cake while playing video games every night after you go to bed.

Oh, and also, we have heard that if you sing the "Yes on 8" song more than 14 times, you also turn into a goblin.

The moral of the story is: divorce your parents. They're narrow-minded assholes that have exploited and filmed you doing something terrible. When you grow older, we are sure that you will regret this, and on that day, we hope that you consider socking them both in the neckmeat.

And our advice to you is: if you want to get a lot of candy on Halloween, dress up as a sign that says, "Vote NO on Prop 8!" And when you walk around the neighborhood, be sure to chant, "Bigotry is Dead! My Parents are Goblins! Vote No on 8!" And no, it doesn't rhyme -- but that should just make it easier for your parents to follow along.

If you have any questions, just stay in touch!

Love and gummi bears,
...

The View's Elisabeth Hasselbeck attended rallies over the weekend with Sarah Palin, where...

Within the last week, two female campaign volunteers, one for Obama, the other for McCain, have been attacked because of their political allegiances. The first incident happened last Saturday in Caledonia, WI, when 58 year-old Chicagoan Nancy Takehara was canvassing a residential neighborhood and was assaulted by an angry...

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