In the criminal justice system, there are two separate but equally important groups: the attorneys, who prosecute or defend people accused of crimes, and the crooks themselves, some of whom are really stupid. These are their stories.

I got them from Michael D. O'Donohoe, commissioner of...

I have fallen arches. This would be bad enough if they were in my feet, or even worse, if they fell while I was eating at McDonald's. But these arches are in my mouth, which is often stuffed with either Chicken McNuggets or one of my feet.

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Since I am in the holiday spirit (and, having just consumed a mug of hot toddy, a glass of eggnog and a nip of cheer, the holiday spirits are in me), I have once again decided to follow in that great tradition of boring everyone silly by writing a Christmas...

I have always viewed myself as a farsighted person, a visionary who, like a great leader, could clearly see the world around me. After a visit to the eye doctor, however, I know I'm a nearsighted person, a double-visionary who, like Mr. Magoo, can't see much past my nose.
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I'm the very model of the modern model citizen, although I'm not as beautiful a model as Heidi Klum, which explains why I have never been featured in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

Still, I am proud and slightly flummoxed to say that I do not (as yet) have a...

"I think that I shall never see/a poem as lovely as a ... TIMBER!"

This is how Joyce Kilmer might have begun his most famous poem, "Trees," if he had been alive and in my yard recently. That's because one of my trees, a lovely oak, fell like a drunken...

The good news in the Zezima family is that my younger daughter, Lauren, has a new car that she has somehow managed to keep spotlessly clean since she bought it in July.

The bad news is that the remains of Jimmy Hoffa were not found in her old car, which...

Baby face, I've got the cutest little baby face.

Those are the lyrics I am singing to myself these days, not just because I smell like a baby, but because I look like one.

That is what I was told when I went to the makeup counter at a department...

Paul Newman had such a delightfully wry and self-deprecating sense of humor that he probably wouldn't mind if I said I'm glad I'm not the reason he's dead. But I came close to killing him several years ago, when the legendary actor and popcorn pooh-bah almost choked on a bowl...

When it comes to shopping, men usually get off on the wrong foot. So I recently took my wife, Sue, with me when I went shopping for sneakers.

As soon as I stepped into the store, I found myself in a dilemma, which would be a good name for a...

Even though I partied so much in college that I graduated magna cum lager, I went to class often enough that I still have a dream that is common among people who subconsciously recall the old alma mater. It starts with a beautiful co-ed in a filmy negligee -- oops,...

If I ever star in my own sequel to "Father of the Bride," in which I had the title role in 2006 when my older daughter, Katie, got married, I may have to put paramedics on the guest list. That's because my younger daughter, Lauren, has literally fallen into...

By Jerry Zezima

Being the kind of person who is calm in any emergency, which means I am more likely to faint than spring into action, I always thought I could save a choking victim by performing the Heineken maneuver. This involves clearing the victim's air passage with beer and...

My life is such a mess that if I ever won the lottery, I'd never collect the money. That's because my wife, Sue, the kind of person who throws everything out, would inadvertently toss the ticket in the garbage or I, the kind of person who saves everything, would put...

In my dreams, which occur every night and even during the day while I am at work, I often picture myself as a hot-blooded Latin lover. I have hesitated to admit this publicly because I am afraid not only that Antonio Banderas will sue me, but that my wife will...

I believe I can speak for most men when I say that most women not only want us to get lost most of the time, but that most of us actually do, which is why most women become so annoyed at our stubborn refusal to ask for directions that they...

In the 10 years since my wife and I bought our house, which the bank actually owns but kindly allows us to pay for, I have come to realize that home is where the heartburn is.

In fact, I am having chest pains just thinking about all...

Now that my wife and I have been married for 30 years, family and friends have suggested that for putting up with me for so long, Sue deserves to be the first living person canonized by the Catholic Church. I, they add, deserve to be shot from a cannon.

What...

As a man who is often compared to the back end of a horse -- which a reliable source does not endorse because it would force remorse for the horse, of course -- I am proud to announce that I have come up with the solution to America's gas crisis.